| Getting better |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|11:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
I'm feeling a little better today for some reason. Maybe it's because it's my last day of work, I don't know. Or maybe because I know my anxiety will be over by tomorrow. I'm gonna miss my Mom and Dad, and of course the cats, so much. I know they aren't taking it well either. My Dad won't see me at school anymore which might be weird for him. I didn't see my mom during school too much but it's nice to know that they were only 15 minutes away. Now they will be only 2 hours away which isn't bad at all just not as reassuring as 15 minutes, but I know I'll get used to it. I can call them anytime which might be a lot at first at least. Sigh. It will take time to adjust but I need to do this. I can't stay home with my mom and dad my whole life. Oh well. |
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| @#%$# |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|11:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
AAaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! AAAAaaaahhhhhhhh!!!! AAAaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! What the hell am I doing!!! Who do I think I am going to Chicago! Fuck!!! (Just a little peek into what's going on in my head right now and probably tomorrow.) |
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| Happy Birthday to me!!! |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|11:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
Birthdays are the best way to lift one's spirits, let me tell you. Getting phone calls and little e-mails just saying something as simple as Happy Birthday make you feel loved. Sometimes people need that reminder every so often. |
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| Turning my brain off |
[Aug. 11th, 2005|11:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  It's so cute | ] |
I'm really not that sleepy it just thought the icon was cute. I mean look at her, she's all curled up with her tail and the little ZZZZs. It's cute! Anyways I'm at work and it kind of feels weird being back here after being in Chicago for a week. I was just getting used to it there and then I had to rush back to South Bend. It kind of taking it's toll. It feels like I don't know what to call home anymore. I don't like being split up like this. It's got to be one place or the other. All I know is there is going to be more anxiety until I get back to Chicago. So to remedy it I decided to turn my brain off and not think about it, which is kind of hard but works most of the time. Obviously it isn't working now because I'm talking about it but that's beside the point. I'm getting excited for my birthday on Monday. I need a celebration. Not for me in particular I just need some fun, period. I need to get back to Chicago so I can start my life. That's what I need to do. |
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| Bittersweet |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|11:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
It's depressing to think that last night was in fact the last night that I slept in my own bed in my room. It's exciting to think by tomorrow I will be sleeping in my own bed but in my new apartment. Bittersweet is the only thing that can come to mind. All next week I'm going to be in Chicago but all I can think about is how much I really wanted to go to Michigan with my family to see my grandparents. Going to Chicago is the right choice for this week so I can help set up the apartment and what not, but Michigan was what was getting me through the last two weeks. All I can say is I will be super pissed if I miss Michigan next year. This is something I really look forward to every year and I get down if we as a family don't get the chance to go for some reason. I enjoy going to the beach, walking in the woods, reading on the porch in the afternoon and playing card games or board games with everyone after supper. For some people it's boring but I love it. I love being with my family. |
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| I hate emotions |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|10:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I feel like such shit mentally. I want to feel happy but it's really hard. I need to get my ass to Chicago so I can stop wondering about my future and get it started. I think that's why I'm depressed. I'm afraid to leave home. I know I am. I don't feel ready to be a real adult yet, I think. I don't know. I want to have my own place but at the same time I still want to be a kid...a student. But I only want to stay this way because this has been my whole life. I don't know any other way to live. It's stressing me out more then I thought. At least I hope it's the move. If it's not then I'm going crazy and I feel bad for Alicia cause then she's gonna be living with a nut. I need my vacation in Mich. Something to take my mind off of finding a job, packing and too many other things. I think I can hold out for a week, dump off as much stuff as I can at the apartment and then go brain dead on the beach in Mich. Hopefully after that my mind will be clear and relaxed and I can finally enjoy what I have been wanting to do since my first visit to Chicago with my family. All I can say is the moment I got out of the car to walk to Shed Aquarium I was in awe with all of the people and tall builds that I knew this is where I wanted to be and damn it I'm gonna do it! |
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| Long time no see |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|11:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
I am so not good at keeping up with this, but it more has to do with time then anything else. So obviously I was able to find a small bit of time during my long work day today. Well I have yet to put this up but I have a new apartment in Chicago and I and super excited. Alicia and I just signed the lease last weekend and we're going to stop by to pick up our keys and dump some stuff off since the landlady is cool like that. It almost doesn't feel like I'm going off into the world on my own. I mean Alicia will be with me and going to Chicago is something I've wanted to do ever since I can remember. But it feels like I'm just going to a different school, that I'm not being an adult making my own living and leaving my parents' home to make my own home. It's weird. I guess it's a good thing that my mind is coming up with something to help me cop or, I guess, a way for me to transition into a new life that I'm not used to yet. There isn't as much anxiety anymore which is good. I shouldn't be worried but every now and then I look in the darkness that is my future I get scared. Everyone says that I should be fine. I think I'll feel better when I get a job not matter what it is. When I don't have to worry about how to pay for the apartment after my nest egg is up then I'll be able to look for a job that better suits me and I'll be able to enjoy my youth a little bit more. Which is to say I won't now but I'll be more relaxed when I've found my nitch in my new life. |
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| Big sigh of relief |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|01:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | relieved | ] |
Too much going on. First I lose all of my e-mails in my school account which is bad when I still had important things I was going to print up, but thank God I found where cyberspace dumped them after searching for an entire night and morning. They're not the same as they used to look but at least it's something. So good stuff after that stress. Then my Mom starts to freak out because of the bombing in London because my Dad is there for the day before he hits France. He's ok but who's to say that was the last and only bombing in London, or in Europe for that matter. I'm trying not to think about it but it's kind of hard not too worry. I'm really looking forward to Fantastic 4 to help keep my mind off of assholes who have to bomb shit because they want to make a point. But my Dad is ok and I was able to retrieve my e-mails. I'm relieved everything came out ok but I still think something else might happen and I don't know why. I just hope this feeling is wrong. |
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| Goodbyes |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|01:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
Well yesterday, with my brother, we dropped off my Dad at the airport. My Mom couldn't come because she had to be at work early. But it isn't anything new to see my Dad off at the airport for his many trips to Europe or around the United States. Saint Mary's needs someone to represent them and I can't think of anyone better then him. But this time it seemed to be really hard to see him go, for me and for him. He really didn't want to leave, but I know as soon as he gets to France he'll have a lot of fun. It was like taking a kid to summer camp. He gave me the tightest hug when we got out of the car that I was suprised. Then I felt like I was gonna cry when he started to walk into the terminal and looked back so sad that I though he was gonna cry. I couldn't cry though because my brother was driving and I didn't feel like getting any crap for it, but I had a feeling that he knew I was trying not to. It took me all day to understand why it was so hard for Dad to leave this time around and my Mom figured it out...he was going alone. He didn't have to think about other people and keep them organized. All he had to think about was himself and this was a first. He didn't have all of the hustle and bustle to keep him occupied and give us a quick hug and kiss goodbye before he had to rustle the students onto the bus for Chicago. Needless to say I felt better after Mom figured it out and that it was just traveling anxiety. The problem is I know this is gonna happen to me when I move out to Chicago with Alicia but I know when I get there I'll have a blast. I can at least admit that I'm more like my Dad in this sense. |
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| Gonna Try |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|05:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  productive | ] |
Well hello everyone I don't know what I'm exactly doing...I'm terrible at journals, yet somehow I'm compelled to start one up every so often but drop them after no more then 5 entries so we'll see how long this will last. It isn't like I don't talk to people about what's on my mind anyways. I pretty much bitch till I feel better, but maybe this will be a better out let then getting so excited or mad that my voice gets so high pitched that blood will start coming out of the listeners ears. Hm pleasent thought. Long story to up date everyone on my summer I'm working at Saint Mary's College Special Events office as their own personal videographer. Taped alot of interviews and footage for three short videos on camps, conferences and an ethnic retreat. Editing has not started yet but it will soon. On my down time I've been searching for a new job in Chicago so when I move out there with Alicia in August, or in probably my case September, that I will be able to pay for rent and sustenance. Kind of important. So basically this will give you an idea on probably the main subjects of my excitment and/or bitching, but let's hope it's more on the excitment side. |
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